Positive Discipline for Today's Busy (and Overwhelmed) Parent by Jane Nelsen Ed.D. & Kristina Bill & Joy Marchese

Author:Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. & Kristina Bill & Joy Marchese
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale
Published: 2018-09-10T16:00:00+00:00

POSITIVE DISCIPLINE IN ACTION

Karen explains how her experience of birth order and changing sibling dynamics led her to look for parenting advice: “Where do I begin with Alexa? My middle girl. She is the reason I felt I needed parenting tools.

“We have four children: our eldest, Jason, is ten, and then we have three daughters, Rebecca, eight, Alexa, six, and Katy, five. Our son is firmly established in the family structure as the oldest child. Rebecca was very comfortable with being number two until Alexa was born. Rebecca lost her defined identity, being now the middle child, and consequently became more insecure. Alexa was a terrific baby—great personality and very beautiful. Our fourth child was a surprise. Her arrival changed the dynamic completely—Alexa had a nervous breakdown. At age one she knew the party was over and she was not the little baby that everyone fawned over. Rebecca, on the other hand, has over the past few years grown more confident and turned into more of a matriarch for her two younger sisters.

“Alexa was never the same after Katy was born. She cried and cried and experienced panic attacks all year. Her threes were terrible for me. She was so unhappy. I wondered if we needed professional help. I think an outsider could have helped, but I felt that deep down the answer was love and I just had to give her more somehow. I could do this. I am supermom, I thought.

“The fours were worse because she was no longer a baby. Just a little girl no one wanted to be around. She cut off her friends and only wanted to be home in fear of ‘missing’ something. I didn’t know if her mistaken goal was undue attention, power, revenge, or assumed inadequacy, as it felt like all four at the same time.

“I have used just about every tool with Alexa this year and we are making progress. We have a double fist pump on our chests to signal that we are in each other’s hearts if I can’t be with her for the moment (if I’m with company or with her siblings). The nonverbal attention puts her at ease. Alexa is constantly looking for her siblings’ approval as well and has become the family clown to get attention. When she isn’t making them laugh she is often crying. I spend a lot of time validating her feelings. And letting her know that I understand. She is an emotional person and feels a lot. We talk about how those feelings make her who she is and help her sing, dance, and perform with passion. Alexa responds very well to routines, and likes to help with chores. This makes her feel part of a system and our family. We are making progress.”

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